Mess

I string my thoughts around my neck

And hope my mind will not fall into contempt

Pick up the pieces that have left

Me unraveled in my own goddamn mess

Wait for the grey skies

Wait for the clouds to subside

Don’t forget about that time

When you left me on the roadside

With; in my own mess

Take every moment in stride

Be in the present here instead of flying high

Please don’t forget about me

When you’re drifting off back into the sea

I’ve climbed this mountain once before

Familiar trails that lead to shore

Let me breathe, let me breathe, just once more

Let me sink, let me sink, into the cracks below

Oh wait, oh wait for me

Won’t you wait, won’t you wait

Thin Air

Stay still

That picture, that perfect picture

You hung up on the wall

You told me you dreamt it

You can even smell it in the air

Floating by

Like the clouds you dried

Out on the old clothesline

Amateur

Heat takes over my body

Crushing my thoughts at every turn

My heart it slowly hardens

Into the cold muddy earth

 

Your amateur words stole my heart

A lacquered haze you wrapped around my heart

Let you have what I gave up

What I gave up

Was no concern

 

Screams heard all through the pines

Hoping you’d hear my shrilling cries

But dear these tears are not for you

They shed in pity for the things you do

 

Starting from the beginning

A place I’ve been to before

Your layers of fabrication

Uncovered through beastly lores

 

Spells you’ve cast have lost its touch

Karma came back around in lust

A fool you were, you did not know

That deep down inside, I did know

Thankful

I am one lucky girl.

Days like these, I remember that I am so thankful for my best friend. I am the type of person who has many best friends & I love them all…but no one can ever replace this girl. We’ve been best friends since we were 10 years old (we’re 23 now). She knows me in & out and loves me for who I am–changes and all.

There are a lot of fucked up people in this world…a lot of fucked up people. But to have met the most genuine, loving, supportive person at a young age makes me so blessed and hopeful. Actually, all of my friends make me feel blessed and hopeful. They are all wonderful and kind people who strive to be happy and make those around them happy as well.

I must never forget this moment. Despite all the hardship in my life and in other people’s lives, I must never forget this moment.

Life is so good and it is only as good as you make of it.

Max

Max was his name. Everything about him seemed to come from a person I once met—everything but his name. How could someone I briefly met and turned away from show up in a dream filled with my past memories? Even in a dream he left a gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. His controlling ways masked behind sweet, kind words were far from hidden.

See

You know those days where you just see things in the color grey?

Well, you see it wasn’t just a grey day for me.

Every day was a day where I could not breathe.

I could not catch my breath and see the life in front of me.

 

Do you have those dreams?

Of what you anticipate the next day to bring?

Every Sunday was mine.

Hoping Monday wouldn’t arrive.

 

Every day I wished it to be the next.

Memorizing the motions of daily strife.

To repeat the same weeks that had just gone by.

I believed I had already died.

 

But now, thanks to your beauty in disguise, I am back to life.

Back to the old me I yearned to retrieve.

As ugly as you are, there is no vengeance in my heart.

The past will no longer take over me,

For the present & future is all I see.

DIY Flower Crown

I’ve decided to go as a Dia De Los Muertos Doll for Halloween this year. So, to sweeten up my costume I thought I’d make a flower crown. Turns out, it’s really simple and super fun!

Things you’ll need:

headband, masking tape, faux flowers, & a hot glue gun (I couldn’t find mine so I just used rubber cement).

1. Wrap your headband in masking tape.

2. Pull the pretty flower buds from their metal stems.

3. Glue each bud to your headband.

4. Let it dry completely & then have some fun!

 

Anew

you are a blur

you are the past

no longer will i be that

it’s your turn

your turn to be anything

anyone you want

to be happy

to do good

to be alive

to live & to love.

in progress…

I remember way back when

We used to talk and laugh

Till dawn i’d pray it’d never end

I remember way back when

I used to love you

 

Take me on those walks again

Under streetlights I would wait

Words you’d say i’d take to heart

To this day I cherish every part

 

I wonder if you feel the same

Am I the only one who’s going insane

Why can’t I just shake it off

Guess i’ll have to wait and see 

If our paths will cross

 

Wait

Went looking for something

Had my doubts from the start

Had my heart set on your frown

Don’t watch as I melt to the ground

 

You ask me how’s it going

And it’s true that I lie

Right through my teeth I fib and die

I stare up at the clouds and cry

 

I wonder how you’re doing

Every now and then

Since I left without a word

I think I should confess

 

Can you ever forgive me?

For the way that I was

I was naïve and young

Afraid of these feelings

I still run

 

Give and take is what they say this is

I wait for the day that I’ll change

And stay

But somehow I don’t think that day

Will ever come my way

 

Wait, just wait

I swear I’ll find myself one day

Please give me a moment

To pray

To change

To love

DIY Screenprinted Tee

Thanks to Calico Skies, my best friend, Jen, and I decided to make our own screenprinted tees. What a seriously fun way to express yourself on a tee! I wanted to put something that had meaning and what is more perfect than these words, Live True. This saying means a lot to me. It came into fruition back when I was living in San Francisco and now, more than ever I need to remember these words. To live true to myself and never lose track of what makes my heart beat. 

The Beginning

Under the sheets

I hide away

Hoping that this darkness

Will fade

 

Open my eyes

Don’t take my hand

Cause all my fears

Will push you away

 

Tread a little further

Hoping this will get better

As I take a look back

All I see is the beginning

 

Dreaming by day

I stay awake

Waiting for nightfall

To arrive

 

Maybe someday

I’ll look back and I’ll say

Just take a breath

And it will be

Okay

Something New

2011, so far you have been nothing but relaxing. While still enjoying my freedom from responsibilities that will soon be a reality come Monday morning, i’m running off the high from sibling bonding and well, the good stuff on earth. Above are some of my favorite photos that i have taken while on vacation in Los Angeles. These memories will be in my heart for a lifetime.

Leaving for San Francisco on Saturday with my brother, and i am super excited that he agreed to spend a couple of days with me up north!!!

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

I woke up about 2 hours ago and even now, i can feel you. I can feel your hands interlaced in mine. I can even feel your smile. This is what happens when i hibernate too much. I dream and dream and dream about wonderful things. And of course the only thing i remember is the last dream, but it was also the best one. To be that free and happy…and to not be afraid of it all. I can’t wait till that day comes where all my inhibitions are gone, and the real me comes out…with you.

time keeps going faster and faster

i want to float on the massive salt waters of this earth.

i want to stay in this moment forever because it’s the first time in a long time

happy doing absolutely nothing,

no sense of time and responsibility.

My hunched back,

sore and lifeless body.

As my eyes close and all around me is

darkened, i see myself doing the mundane

tasks of morning.

My head spins and as my heart beats as fast

as it slows down, i become numb.

Sunrise, Sunset

The dust on the windowsill is collecting

tiny pieces of what we had.

As the room starts to spin you’re

right here with me, beside me

a breathe.

Inhale and exhale as you used to say

with your furry brows and clean stare

right into my soul.

Maybe it’s all make believe

maybe i’ve lost it all, lost hope

maybe i’m where i’m supposed to

be.

late night words

honey

earthquake hearthache

it breaks kills me to say

stay

high times like these are one

in zero

and everytime i think of you

i live instead of die.

Sylvia Plath reads Lady Lazarus

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

 

Day 2

I hate that it’s getting darker faster. My eyes are slowly getting heavier as if a tiny thread is sewing them shut.

My mind is somewhere else. Maybe it’s the sickness that is creeping up on me that is forcing my brain to swirl.