I am one lucky girl.
Days like these, I remember that I am so thankful for my best friend. I am the type of person who has many best friends & I love them all…but no one can ever replace this girl. We’ve been best friends since we were 10 years old (we’re 23 now). She knows me in & out and loves me for who I am–changes and all.
There are a lot of fucked up people in this world…a lot of fucked up people. But to have met the most genuine, loving, supportive person at a young age makes me so blessed and hopeful. Actually, all of my friends make me feel blessed and hopeful. They are all wonderful and kind people who strive to be happy and make those around them happy as well.
I must never forget this moment. Despite all the hardship in my life and in other people’s lives, I must never forget this moment.
Life is so good and it is only as good as you make of it.
You know those days where you just see things in the color grey?
Well, you see it wasn’t just a grey day for me.
Every day was a day where I could not breathe.
I could not catch my breath and see the life in front of me.
Do you have those dreams?
Of what you anticipate the next day to bring?
Every Sunday was mine.
Hoping Monday wouldn’t arrive.
Every day I wished it to be the next.
Memorizing the motions of daily strife.
To repeat the same weeks that had just gone by.
I believed I had already died.
But now, thanks to your beauty in disguise, I am back to life.
Back to the old me I yearned to retrieve.
As ugly as you are, there is no vengeance in my heart.
The past will no longer take over me,
For the present & future is all I see.
2011, so far you have been nothing but relaxing. While still enjoying my freedom from responsibilities that will soon be a reality come Monday morning, i’m running off the high from sibling bonding and well, the good stuff on earth. Above are some of my favorite photos that i have taken while on vacation in Los Angeles. These memories will be in my heart for a lifetime.
Leaving for San Francisco on Saturday with my brother, and i am super excited that he agreed to spend a couple of days with me up north!!!
Life gets so complicated sometimes and I hate the fact that it doesn’t have to be that way. I feel myself changing again and i don’t know how i feel about things. I feel like i’m stuck in this hallway not knowing which door to open. I’ve become emotionless, apathetic, somewhat stone cold. And it’s towards everything. I just want to be alone sometimes…and it’s becoming more frequent.
On the lighter side of things, i’m glad that i barely have any classes this week. I’m going hiking with my friend Esther on Wednesday morning and i’m uber excited to breathe in the morning fresh air and be with nature. I’m also excited to be reunited with my friend Sarah (She Will Be Loved, check her out!) on Thursday. So much catching up to do and lots of yummy food to eat! =)
I need a vacation. I’m actually excited to go back home for Spring Break…basking in the sunlight with a good book sounds pretty delightful to me right now.
I often wonder what the meaning of life is.
I’m sure everyone thinks of this at least once in their lifetime.
And i’m thinking about it now.
I’ve been thinking about it for a while.
Here i sit in the dark with my little lamp and music softly pouring out of my headphones and into my ears. I just finished watching “Prozac Nation” with Christina Ricci. I love her acting skills and the mystery that she gives off. I wonder sometimes, about myself. That what if i was a different person. How my life would have turned out if i did the things i wanted and not quit. I’m wishing for a time traveling kit now. To be someone that everybody liked and not having to think about what some person was thinking about me. Am i really me? I take words very seriously, to the heart. That’s my problem.
Now i’m regretting thinking about the past. I envy those people who leave their past and don’t look back. They don’t question the “what ifs.” But i do and i always will. I think that is what will be the death of me. All those “what ifs” are kind of pissing me off now. And there is nothing i can do about it but i still live on. I’m choosing to live on and be happy. I’m content and still happy but this moment, this little moment is my tangent of…dare i say…depression? No, i’m not depressed. Even if i tried i couldn’t be completely depressed. Maybe i’m just a little sad, a different kind of sad.
The kind of sadness one gets randomly. I think it’s the quiet that brings this kind of sadness. Also certain types of films. Films and music get to me a lot, but more films. I get too engulfed into the plot and the emotions that actors lie about. But then the movie ends and i’m forced to move on with my life. I don’t move on that fast though. I dwell and think about it, think about my life and think about the characters life.
Now i’m just babbling. I shall stop my rant and start my pages and pages of reading for school.
30 minutes till work is over and then it’s time to go to my asian american art history class. Life is looking pretty good right now. Although i woke up all groggy and wanting to go back to sleep this morning, after my shower i was perfect. The sun was shining and the chilly wind comforted me through my walk to school. The sun is gone now (typical San Francisco), but it’s still shining inside my heart. Life is great, it’s good. I’m happy =)
Nights like this i should be sleeping. I have class in about 9 hours and here i am half asleep and still on the computer. I have uncovered the sounds of my teenage past and it has somehow made me feel whole. My heart was bringing back the same feelings i felt when i first heard the guitar strings and the melodic voices of these beautiful men. You know that nostalgic feeling you get when you smell/hear/see something you once knew? That is how i feel right now. And that feeling only comes to me when i hear certain songs. It’s a beautiful feeling and i love it every time it happens to me.
Good thing my roommate stays up late like me.
i’m looking forward to this new year. mostly because i know where i belong and i have found my home. my heart.
i’m learning to leave the past behind and i’m glad to think of the future. i’m trying deeply to change because there are some parts of me i dislike.
i can’t help but smile though. new events are in store and i’m excited for my classes, old friends and making new ones, but most of all i’m excited for love.
happy 2010 =)
i feel like crying.
it’s probably the lack of sleep and food.
and the fact that i really don’t know how i’m
doing this semester. this is probably one of the
worst semesters ever.
it’s my fault. and i don’t have any motivation.
I don’t know how i feel about this…this whole love thing. I’ve never been in love.
And when i see it now in movies and in real life, i think to myself and suddenly i feel
It’s a strange feeling and i can’t see myself ever experiencing it.
I’m not being sad or anything. I have just come to realization of what my life has become.
I’m sure this thought and feeling will subside in due time, but for now
I can’t help but feel this odd separation between me and love.
Because me and love don’t exist.
i should have kissed you. the moment was so perfect.
i could have kissed you. but i hesitated.
i would have kissed you. but we’re not good together.
it’s funny how you look back into your past and realize how much you’ve changed.
little by little things shift,
it moves and follows you everywhere.
like a shadow that is slowly being consumed by your personality.
it’s scary but lovely at the same time.
to know that you have the power to reinvent yourself.
fall once, twice, three times…stay strong.
i’m sitting here and listening to this melodic electronic amazing sound, and all the while
my mind is my heart and my soul is in front of my body.
my feet feel like they’re dancing and swaying with the beats
but really, they are completely still.
the world is still,
my body is still,
but my mind races.
i’ve always said that i’ll stay in san francisco even after i graduate.
but i just realized that i’m actually going to stay in san francisco. i need to.
los angeles will always be my first home. but it’s no place for me anymore.
all the great memories that bring nostalgia are just that; memories.
no more turning back,
the past is the past.
all i can do now, is look toward the future.
sit down and breathe it in.
long strings of noise that flutter with every whisper.
fans of palms that act as drums
soothe the inner being of my soul.
heart beats and laughter echo around
on cold summer night.
Paper hearts line up on my arm
you put them there.
Cotton daisies are on my doorstep
you sent them here.
Yards of blue yarn
you gave me the ocean.
A thousand candles
you lit the stars in my room.
My heart was yours since the day i laid eyes
on your soul.
the pages are turning and a thrill comes over me.
a slight pain that jerks my heart
and the sight of candy red drops to my toes.
flashback to years before
my mind is set into that same moment.
what i should have said but i didn’t.
what i could have done but didn’t.
life has changed.
i have changed…for the better.
field of daisies that is my heart
a bunch of balloons that is my soul
the non-existent is what keeps me going.
keeps me hoping,
in an instant.
that’s how it happens.
everything you live and breathe,
everything that’s in your heart,
like wilting petals from a flower.
beautiful and vibrant,
then one day it wilts.
floating all the way down to the ground.
all we have is each other.
all we can do is pray.
all we can do is hope for the best,
that things will get better.
After all these months which felt like years,
I finally know for sure what i felt for you.
I fell hard…maybe too hard.
I know it’s only been 2 years
but out of all them,
you were the only one who made my heart drop..and you still do.
Everyone else were just attractions and little crushes.
You were neither…you took me by storm.
I don’t know when i’ll see you or when i’ll talk to you,
but i know that when i do, all those feelings will rush back to me.
I haven’t seen you in about 8 months.
but these 8 months have felt like 2 years.
and finally after all this time, trying to figure out what
i truly felt for you…i know.
There is only one person who blew me away, and it was you.