in progress…

I remember way back when

We used to talk and laugh

Till dawn i’d pray it’d never end

I remember way back when

I used to love you

 

Take me on those walks again

Under streetlights I would wait

Words you’d say i’d take to heart

To this day I cherish every part

 

I wonder if you feel the same

Am I the only one who’s going insane

Why can’t I just shake it off

Guess i’ll have to wait and see 

If our paths will cross

 

Wait

Went looking for something

Had my doubts from the start

Had my heart set on your frown

Don’t watch as I melt to the ground

 

You ask me how’s it going

And it’s true that I lie

Right through my teeth I fib and die

I stare up at the clouds and cry

 

I wonder how you’re doing

Every now and then

Since I left without a word

I think I should confess

 

Can you ever forgive me?

For the way that I was

I was naïve and young

Afraid of these feelings

I still run

 

Give and take is what they say this is

I wait for the day that I’ll change

And stay

But somehow I don’t think that day

Will ever come my way

 

Wait, just wait

I swear I’ll find myself one day

Please give me a moment

To pray

To change

To love

Usual

My mind seems to be such a simple place. A place where the same wonders are thought of over and over again. The usual suspect has come up again. This suspect…i can’t fully understand it. It baffles me every time i see it. It has turned into somewhat of a fear for me. I sometimes expect nothing more than what i have been offered. Realizing that this is how it will always be. I can’t feel it…i can’t see it…ever.

It worries me.

Some kind of love.

My favorite love is so hard to explain. It is something so deep within my soul that i don’t know if anyone else feels the same way i do. If i could i would have my headphones permanently glued to my ears. The deep bass that cradles the soft melodies; my mind gets lost every time. When those headphones go in nothing matters. I see no one around me and i don’t hear anything. I’m stuck in my own world and when i’m forced to come back to reality, i sigh. (so i ‘m sorry to those who have called my name to say hi…i don’t notice you. i don’t notice anyone.)

Sometimes, it’s so beautiful that tears start to come down. My favorite moments are when i feel like i’m in a movie. Darkness is all around me and while my eyes are closed the moments that never happened…happen.

Oh Brother…

i remember the times you used to scare me shitless with your halloween monster mask. the times you used to tickle my feet till i cried from laughing so hard. playing hide and go seek, building forts and telling scary stories. remember those times at the snow when we’d ride the tubes? i was so scared…but you held my hand.

then you grew up and i stayed little. 7 years apart is a big gap and for most of my life i didn’t know who you were.

but now i’m all grown up, and our relationship is no longer that of strangers. i feel as though my heart is almost full because your in my life again. i love seeing your name on my cell phone whenever you call. those tiny chats mean the world to me.

love you big brother.

Dream

cuddled up in my warm blanket and still in bed.

i woke up and got a phone call…i don’t remember who it was.

but it was so….lovely.

i felt my heart beating so loudly the heavens could hear.

the butterflies in my stomach resurrected from the dead.

and i finally felt that amazing first feeling.

it’s been so long, that i have forgotten.

my heart became a realist & gave up on being an optimist.

too bad i woke up realizing it was all a dream.

a dream so far away that i don’t really believe in it anymore.

Love Thing.

I don’t know how i feel about this…this whole love thing. I’ve never been in love.

And when i see it now in movies and in real life, i think to myself and suddenly i feel

…foreign.

It’s a strange feeling and i can’t see myself ever experiencing it.

I’m not being sad or anything. I have just come to realization of what my life has become.

I’m sure this thought and feeling will subside in due time, but for now

I can’t help but feel this odd separation between me and love.

Because me and love don’t exist.

yet.

it took 20 years, but i’m finally here.

after listening to all the people close to me, i think i’m finally going to listen. i’ve felt this way before, but i think this time it’s different. i’m beginning to believe instead of nodding and replying ” i know, i know.” i think it’s time for me to take my own advice and take others as well. i am truly beginning to love myself for the first time in 20 years, and it feels amazing.

it was like…magic.

spontaneous trips at night.

an adventure in of itself.

made me realize how much i love it.

in the day time,

in the night time.

i fall in love, each time.

your dazzling lights that seem to go on forever,

accentuate the delicate architecture of the victorian.

 

tonight was so chill. went party hopping after work with my dsw girls. best part? eating at nations before ending the night. even though i have work in 6 hours but only have 4 hours to sleep…i don’t regret a thing.

I Like, Sailing Home

i’m sitting here and listening to this melodic electronic amazing sound, and all the while

my mind is my heart and my soul is in front of my body.

my feet feel like they’re dancing and swaying with the beats

but really, they are completely still.

the world is still,

my body is still,

but my mind races.

 

The Tear.

a rolling thunder that is silent like the wind

every note pressed against my cheek like a puzzle.

my body is still and frozen as though i am in a freezer.

not cold, not hot…just numb from this thing in my heart.

this thing that i  have no words for.

as the thunder rolled down and down

it slipped

and found a home to the cracks of my lips.

a salted sea of love and fear and worry

and forever.

I know.

words cannot even describe how i feel for you.

words that have not yet turned into coherent material feelings for you.

it’s somewhere deep down inside but i won’t let it float to the top.

drowning and suffocating because i’m just too afraid.

i don’t know how you truly feel about me.

if it’s for real or if it’s “just at the moment”…i really don’t know.

i know you’ll never tell me your feelings.

i know one day you’ll stop talking to me and i won’t be hurt cause you’ve done it before.

i know i’m confused and in denial. i know. but it’s who i am.

Blue Sky

you are beautiful. that is what he says.

that cryptic smile he gives is what keeps my heart beating.

yes, the mystery in him is what gives.

an unpredictable scent that follows him like a shadow,

it makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter to no end.

we name the fluffs of water in the blue blue sky,

picking up all the wondrous figurines dancing in front of our eyes.

skaters and ballerinas, a zoo and a school of fish.

what we see is what we feel.

and we feel for each other.

one

i loathe the moments when a rush of salt water flows over my curled lashes.

for when those moments come everything i’ve built up breaks down.

down to the floor where i don’t know how to scoop up the mess i’ve made.

my doubts have become more apparent and my lies have become more believable.

Soul

Paper hearts line up on my arm

you put them there.

Cotton daisies are on my doorstep

you sent them here.

Yards of blue yarn

you gave me the ocean.

A thousand candles

you lit the stars in my room.

 

My heart was yours since the day i laid eyes

on your soul.

Till Forever

you left the light on

and i went under the board.

passing through poles

following your breathing.

 

the soothing waters to my left

in a pitch black airy bubble.

pinches of light you gave to me

my soul became yours.

 

closer and closer

i felt for you. 

i touched your heart.

 

electric feels through my bones

and my heart beats till forever.

i’m here. i’m here.

in an instant. 

that’s how it happens.

everything you live and breathe, 

everything that’s in your heart,

gone.

 

like wilting petals from a flower.

beautiful and vibrant,

then one day it wilts.

floating all the way down to the ground.

 

all we have is each other.

all we can do is pray.

all we can do is hope for the best,

that things will get better.

Eureka

After all these months which felt like years,

I finally know for sure what i felt for you.

I fell hard…maybe too hard. 

 

I know it’s only been 2 years

but out of all them,

you were the only one who made my heart drop..and you still do.

 

Everyone else were just attractions and little crushes.

You were neither…you took me by storm. 

 

I don’t know when i’ll see you or when i’ll talk to you,

but i know that when i do, all those feelings will rush back to me. 

 

I haven’t seen you in about 8 months.

but these 8 months have felt like 2 years. 

and finally after all this time, trying to figure out what 

i truly felt for you…i know. 

 

There is only one person who blew me away, and it was you.

just you…