Amateur

Heat takes over my body

Crushing my thoughts at every turn

My heart it slowly hardens

Into the cold muddy earth

 

Your amateur words stole my heart

A lacquered haze you wrapped around my heart

Let you have what I gave up

What I gave up

Was no concern

 

Screams heard all through the pines

Hoping you’d hear my shrilling cries

But dear these tears are not for you

They shed in pity for the things you do

 

Starting from the beginning

A place I’ve been to before

Your layers of fabrication

Uncovered through beastly lores

 

Spells you’ve cast have lost its touch

Karma came back around in lust

A fool you were, you did not know

That deep down inside, I did know

See

You know those days where you just see things in the color grey?

Well, you see it wasn’t just a grey day for me.

Every day was a day where I could not breathe.

I could not catch my breath and see the life in front of me.

 

Do you have those dreams?

Of what you anticipate the next day to bring?

Every Sunday was mine.

Hoping Monday wouldn’t arrive.

 

Every day I wished it to be the next.

Memorizing the motions of daily strife.

To repeat the same weeks that had just gone by.

I believed I had already died.

 

But now, thanks to your beauty in disguise, I am back to life.

Back to the old me I yearned to retrieve.

As ugly as you are, there is no vengeance in my heart.

The past will no longer take over me,

For the present & future is all I see.

in progress…

I remember way back when

We used to talk and laugh

Till dawn i’d pray it’d never end

I remember way back when

I used to love you

 

Take me on those walks again

Under streetlights I would wait

Words you’d say i’d take to heart

To this day I cherish every part

 

I wonder if you feel the same

Am I the only one who’s going insane

Why can’t I just shake it off

Guess i’ll have to wait and see 

If our paths will cross

 

Wait

Went looking for something

Had my doubts from the start

Had my heart set on your frown

Don’t watch as I melt to the ground

 

You ask me how’s it going

And it’s true that I lie

Right through my teeth I fib and die

I stare up at the clouds and cry

 

I wonder how you’re doing

Every now and then

Since I left without a word

I think I should confess

 

Can you ever forgive me?

For the way that I was

I was naïve and young

Afraid of these feelings

I still run

 

Give and take is what they say this is

I wait for the day that I’ll change

And stay

But somehow I don’t think that day

Will ever come my way

 

Wait, just wait

I swear I’ll find myself one day

Please give me a moment

To pray

To change

To love

Sylvia Plath reads Lady Lazarus

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

 

The Tear.

a rolling thunder that is silent like the wind

every note pressed against my cheek like a puzzle.

my body is still and frozen as though i am in a freezer.

not cold, not hot…just numb from this thing in my heart.

this thing that i  have no words for.

as the thunder rolled down and down

it slipped

and found a home to the cracks of my lips.

a salted sea of love and fear and worry

and forever.

Blue Sky

you are beautiful. that is what he says.

that cryptic smile he gives is what keeps my heart beating.

yes, the mystery in him is what gives.

an unpredictable scent that follows him like a shadow,

it makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter to no end.

we name the fluffs of water in the blue blue sky,

picking up all the wondrous figurines dancing in front of our eyes.

skaters and ballerinas, a zoo and a school of fish.

what we see is what we feel.

and we feel for each other.

Is it bad?

sometimes i stare down into the well of steps that lead me home.

wondering what would happen if i leaped for eternity into a blanket of hope.

one, two, three, four…etc.

the pain feels good either way you choose,

heart beats races like a horse on a mission.

 

sometimes i go the other way.

the way to hovercrafts into a block of cement that lead me home.

wondering what would happen if i pushed the button just for a moment alone.

 

a quiet place that’s home to a pin drop.

a forgotten world where existing is nothing.

a gasp of air is the remedy but all knowledge is out the window,

basking in the sunlight, taking in the scenery that tells us it’s heaven.

 

a knock on the skull from my friends on both sides

whispering sweet nothings into my ear which surpasses all thoughts.

but for a moment i was stuck in a moment asking…

is it bad?

unordinary.

Today is just another day for him.

Today was the day her life would change forever.

Same routines, while taking the same routes.

Their paths would never cross. But today was different.

Her mind was wandering. Occupied in her thoughts to the point where she took the wrong turn.

He was engulfed in the book his mother bought him for his birthday. Leading him to take the right turn that led him into her life. 

Boy and Girl. 

With both their heads down, they soon bumped heads.

She looked down and took one look at the book and smiled.

He on the other hand was mesmorized by her elegant smile but frowned. 

She was bleeding. 

Slowly but surely he took her hand and as their eyes met he wiped off the blood from her elbow.

Without saying a word, they held each others hands and knew. 

 

Like any happy ending they should have walked off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

But instead they walked toward the nearest cafe for a cup of black coffee slightly sweetened, their favorite.

Ode to you.

a cold foggy morning is all i asked for.

coffee in hand and breakfast in the other. 

little speakers in my ears that are permanently attached to my soul 

       it’s my precious thing.

 

the bright sun peeks out to say hello, 

and after a while gets bored and goes back into hiding. 

i miss it sometimes but the cold is my first. 

 

lights,

so many lights.

city seeker, nature walker, experimenter. 

all are welcome. 

 

layers of fabric touch my skin.

and i’ve missed that warmth. 

 

today, i’m happy. 

 

“Live like your dying and never stop trying.

it’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you.”

once.

Your face. It’s engulfed in the black of the night and somehow i can still find you. Even when i don’t even try. 

Your inner lullaby screams out towards me and i shed a tear because it’s a habit. A habit i never want to break.

Melancholy melodies that open my heart to you is not so rare anymore. It’s almost like a drug. Everyday. Every night. I don’t even know my true feelings.

It’s the tug-of-war that my heart is in, but no one is on the other side pulling. 

Daydream and dream at night. Those are my escape routes. I expect myself to drown in them one day and just sleep for all eternity. 

Buckets and buckets of stories in the light of the sky. i want to know them all. I want to live them all. 

I’m falling slowly and i’m hoping you’ll catch me…just once.