my hole

I can’t say if i’ve dug my own hole. I guess it’s better to say that life has dug my hole and i partially helped dig it. But now that i look down that hole…i see that i’m  still in it. And the funny thing is, is no matter how much i talk about this thing, i really don’t want to help myself out of this godforsaken hole. Yes i agree with all my faults and flaws and i don’t deny any of it, at all.  I actually think i embrace it all.

I’m okay with what will most likely happen in the future. Why?

Because it is how i have been living, all my life.

Day 1

What a beautiful day! The sun is shining and the brisk cold winds are blowing beautiful hats away. As i sit in the corner at my work desk in the oldest building on campus, my hands are starting to shake…or have been shaking actually. I don’t know why but it is starting to worry me.

So many whimsical thoughts are running through my brain today. Like colorful cutouts to tape to my crisp white walls and hanging beauties from the ceiling.

Adding to all the excitement is the sushi dinner i will be having tonight.

 

i have a list

In my mind i have a list of things to do, yet i haven’t touched one thing. Elaborate plans that are whimsical and that i yearn to bring alive, yet i haven’t lifted a finger. It is like an invisible string that is tied low to the ground in my mind in that if i walk forward, i will trip and fall into a hole of nothing-ness. Of course this isn’t real. Then why can’t i do it? Just do it i say, but again, nothing.

My mind is beginning to swirl.

We Never Change

I wanna live life and never be cruel.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we? no, no
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house.

I wanna live life and always be true.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we? No, no
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
where making more friends would be easy.

Oh, and I don´t have a soul to save.
Yes, and I sin every single day.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Where making more friends would be easy.
I wanna live where the sun comes out …

-Coldplay

i have been across the wind

your face so enchanting i came to say

hello, hello my dear, my stranger.

underneath the starlight is blooming

we’re glowing  in the night

spin me round and round

cause i can’t seem to stay still in your arms

i stay.

sitting in a cafe

i’m sitting in a cafe wrapped in a bubble of “don’t bother me, i’m studying.” and this song, this song came up and left me in a trance. all the information on advertising and creative bullshit went out the window. i’m repeating over and over again, “someday my pain will walk..” “what might have been lost…don’t bother me.”

i’m trying my hardest to hold back tears. it’s catching up to me. physically and mentally. i’m afraid i’ll never know how to balance my life…consistently.

and back to studying i go.

quiet office day

The office is quiet today. It’s a quiet Friday and the sun has retreated back into the thick clouds and the fog has come back. It’s nice though. Midterms are over and i have a pile of reading that is waiting for me, which i will get to tomorrow. But tonight is going to be a splendid night full of debauchery with my girlfriends. I have been waiting for this for a loooong time.

randomness at work..

what’s that i hear,

across the living room table

sliding off, and oh my gosh

one second off and you could have

saved me, oh, saved me.

it’s spilling and i’m spilling right

over the edge

into nothing, a vast black hole that’ll

lead me right back into you.

hear my plea, i’m begging please

this ain’t no metal armor

keeping my heart warm

my dear, it is fragile, i am fragile.

it’s spilling and i’m spilling right

over the edge

into nothing, a vast black hole that’ll

lead me right back into you.

2 weeks.

Something has changed

deep within my soul

i know something has changed.

A flip of a switch you could say

that my off button has suddenly turned on.

2 weeks.

2 weeks that changed my insides for a lifetime

and i can not be happier.

this song

the creme laced curtains were held back and the light drowned the room in soft daylight.

as the song started, the words of shakespeare inspired.

so much that the leaves of all the trees swayed and danced to the piano keys of wainwright.

her eyes were stuck, like a magnet the foliage took a hold of it all.

and as each tear passed

she knew no love could be greater.

at work post.

My time has become somewhat a little wasted. But the funny thing is, i don’t feel guilty about it. Yes i’ve become a lazy, unmotivated, in bed most of the day kind of girl…but i really couldn’t ask for more. My alone time has become so precious to me that i actually like it.  Although, i do like my random sporadic moments of adventure. I’ve come to realize that i can do anything i want…and that feeling is so grand.

yearning for something

my self loathing moment has once again come to surface and i can’t get this dream out of my head. i am not a new york person…i mean i don’t think i am. i’d love to visit and see the massive city and what it has to offer but in no way do i think i’d ever fit in. but right now, i have this pitiful yearning that is nagging at my soul and it’s telling me, “i wonder what it would be like to live in new york city for a while?” even if it was for 2 weeks. new york city streets are flashing before my eyes and i’m loving it.

and yet i can’t get up to do my laundry or visit the genius bar at the apple store. this lazy period needs to pass very soon.

again.

again,

i’m thinking too much about it again.

something so small and unimportant,

but i can’t help myself to over think.

and now i can’t concentrate on anything else

but that one thing. again.