Time has passed and as i write this, i don’t have that pain in my stomach as i did before. I don’t cringe thinking about you or hearing your name. I don’t feel annoyed anymore at the things you did. Although, at times i still do get angry because that is how much it hurt.
I was angry with you. No…i was furious, maybe it was beyond that point. I used to think, this is it. Life is good because your in it and we’re going to be together for as long as we shall live. I made plans…they were stupid plans, but nonetheless plans.
Plans which included living in the city together, maybe someday building a family at the same time with our kids playing in the front yard becoming bff’s like us. Now that i think about it, it was stupid.
Stupid to think that life would stay good. For a while i believed in it, for a while i believed in you.
For a long time i was mad…not at the world. Just whenever your name came up or when i randomly thought of you. I honestly can say that whenever the topic of you came up, i cringed. I wanted to leave the room.
It’s funny because you left me…all the times you told me you were scared because everyone leaves you. Yet you did this to me. All the times i stood up for you behind your back and all the times i looked the other way when i heard things about you, i stayed. I stayed because i am a good friend.
Then slowly, i saw you change. Maybe i made you change, maybe i scared you? I don’t know.
I knew it was hard for you to act like yourself, i understood. And i hoped that one day that you would break down those walls for me because i was your best friend…you were to me, i’m not sure anymore if i was to you. Anyways, i was stupid to think that one day you would change. And then it happened. I realized i was wasting my time. So i moved on. After all the friends i have lost, you were the one that turned my heart cold. I gave up. All the things they said, it was true.
I randomly thought of you today in my english class. I wasn’t angry or sad…i guess you can say i was content. Content at the fact that you are all but a memory to me now.
I tried imagining us sitting down and drinking coffee to catch up, but i couldn’t. It’s as if you weren’t real. It’s an odd thing to think that way, but it’s true. I can’t see us laughing like we used to, i can’t see us hugging either. Nothing.
So yes, you might think that i was a bitch for what i did. But i had to do it so i can move on and not dwell at the fact that i lost you.
I look at my life now, and it’s good.
Your just a memory, and always will be.