scream.

the churning feeling at the pit of my stomach is telling me to get out of there.

sucked in and no way to get out without firmly stating “i don’t want to be here.”

i’m not the same girl i was before. 

i’m not in tune with that part of my life 

and i don’t plan on being in tune with him for a while.

 

major awkward turtle.

Ode to you.

a cold foggy morning is all i asked for.

coffee in hand and breakfast in the other. 

little speakers in my ears that are permanently attached to my soul 

       it’s my precious thing.

 

the bright sun peeks out to say hello, 

and after a while gets bored and goes back into hiding. 

i miss it sometimes but the cold is my first. 

 

lights,

so many lights.

city seeker, nature walker, experimenter. 

all are welcome. 

 

layers of fabric touch my skin.

and i’ve missed that warmth. 

 

today, i’m happy. 

 

“Live like your dying and never stop trying.

it’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you.”

Edition 2

2 years ago, i picked up a scrapbook kind of book at borders for my english project. the pages were rough and was made of pieces of recycled paper. after using it for my project on The Great Gatsby, i decided to put it to good use. an art project. a journal type of thing where i can create my feelings, write my emotions, and to just make some art. i loved having something to go to if i wanted to vent my anger in torn pieces of magazine pages and some meaningful words, or to take a snapshot of my happiness in that moment to keep with me forever. after endless breaks of not filling up the pages and a dry spell of not being inspired by life, i finally finished it in the summer of 2008. 

On thursday, i was on my way to the mall to pick up some make-up. i passed by borders and thought to myself, “i think it’s time to start a new one.” i found the perfect book with thick blank pages. i brought it home and finished my first page. i’m quite happy. now i just need to finish an unfinished art project that’s been on my mind for about 2 weeks now. my white wall won’t be so lonely and dull after this.

Details.

That feeling i got when i sat down in my very first art history class was priceless.

It was a mix of butterflies and a breath of fresh air.

My knowledge is no where near perfect but i

appreciate every detail,

every emotion,

and the story behind an art piece. 

My happiness. 

A closer look:

*Bernini’s Rape of Proserpina

Once i loved.

i want to know you so bad. the real you. 

i want to know what goes on in that head of yours.

and it doesn’t help that we haven’t spoken in what feels like forever.

it’s not love. i’m not even sure if it’s a like.

its the feeling that i get when i see your name or hear it.

the feeling i get when i’m around you.

the feeling i get when we converse.

i know we won’t be great together. it will probably never cross your mind.

but it has in mine.

anyways, we won’t be great together. i know. 

but i at least want to get hurt trying. 

hurt to know that you don’t love me that way.

hurt to know chance isn’t my thing.

Lord, can you hear me now.

the ice. it breaks.

you can hear it.

and life. its calling back to you.

 

deep voices soothe the pain,

and light notes make you remember.

remember the good.

 

a burst of that certain feeling you’ve waited for,

in what feels like a new heart.

imagine it being swept away in an instant. 

 

open wound, still in pain.

takes a while.

but you wait. 

 

and that shadow will forever follow.

follow the leader. 

keep in mind…the leader.

music in my pants.

it consumes me.

the foot tapping,

the head bobbing,

the swirl of druggy goodness.

 

that is what i feel like…what it feels like.

in a la la land kind of place

where nothing matters. 

 

reality is just a step away and i turn my head the other way.

keep stepping. every step comes an ache in the pit of my stomach.

go back. go back.

behind my back is a reality that is so scary,

i want to quit it altogether. 

 

the end is not yet so clear.

monotonous.

life has been very dull.

nothing new to talk about or live about.

school, work, sleep….etc.

i’m slowly dying inside.

i have been sleeping a lot lately, which makes me wonder.

maybe i’m sleeping more to dream more.

i have been living vicariously through other people and in my own dreams.

nothing can touch me there, nothing is ever dull…

i can be who ever i want to be

and do whatever i want to do.

it’s probably the vixen in me.

no more inspirations come across my creative mind.

even this post…is hard to write. staring at the computer for minutes upon minutes.

i want to get away.

just let me sleep.