30 minutes till work is over and then it’s time to go to my asian american art history class. Life is looking pretty good right now. Although i woke up all groggy and wanting to go back to sleep this morning, after my shower i was perfect. The sun was shining and the chilly wind comforted me through my walk to school. The sun is gone now (typical San Francisco), but it’s still shining inside my heart. Life is great, it’s good. I’m happy =)
Nights like this i should be sleeping. I have class in about 9 hours and here i am half asleep and still on the computer. I have uncovered the sounds of my teenage past and it has somehow made me feel whole. My heart was bringing back the same feelings i felt when i first heard the guitar strings and the melodic voices of these beautiful men. You know that nostalgic feeling you get when you smell/hear/see something you once knew? That is how i feel right now. And that feeling only comes to me when i hear certain songs. It’s a beautiful feeling and i love it every time it happens to me.
Good thing my roommate stays up late like me.
Every time I hear your voice
Inside my head
I get weak in the knees
I can’t speak
I can’t speak
It’s so hard, so hard
To breathe deeply
I can’t eat
Everyday I see your face
Inside my head
I get giddy
Can’t stop smiling
I want to sing
Want to shout
Your name, your name
But I’m in this alone
No one can know this pain
I feel inside
My heart, it beats so rapidly.
Oh my brain,
Its playing tricks
On my heart
When will my mind
Step in the game and play
For me, for me.
I’m alone now. This big office…it’s all mine until 4pm. The sounds i hear are so faint, my boss always plays 90’s r&b and as i’m listening it brings back some good memories. The rain outside sprinkles down, not hard enough to hear but enough for me to see it pass through the tree leaves.
this floor is like a ghost town with random people coming by at random times.
it’s true, i let it get to me. i was sad ever since i read those words, but you know what? i’m ok now. yes i have changed, who doesn’t? i’m not the same girl i was and i’m sure 5 years from now i won’t be the same girl i am now. i’m sick of going back to the past. i’m ready for the future.
thanks for letting me see that i’m blessed for the people i have in my life.
i fell asleep last night feeling like the loneliest girl in the world.
i dreamt so many dreams that i forced myself to stay in bed.
but then i woke up.
and now, i am the loneliest girl.
all i hear are beats.
these beats that were meant to follow one another
to make a beautiful sound.
melodies that flow and fill up my ears.
this is peace.
i remember the times you used to scare me shitless with your halloween monster mask. the times you used to tickle my feet till i cried from laughing so hard. playing hide and go seek, building forts and telling scary stories. remember those times at the snow when we’d ride the tubes? i was so scared…but you held my hand.
then you grew up and i stayed little. 7 years apart is a big gap and for most of my life i didn’t know who you were.
but now i’m all grown up, and our relationship is no longer that of strangers. i feel as though my heart is almost full because your in my life again. i love seeing your name on my cell phone whenever you call. those tiny chats mean the world to me.
love you big brother.
i’m looking forward to this new year. mostly because i know where i belong and i have found my home. my heart.
i’m learning to leave the past behind and i’m glad to think of the future. i’m trying deeply to change because there are some parts of me i dislike.
i can’t help but smile though. new events are in store and i’m excited for my classes, old friends and making new ones, but most of all i’m excited for love.
happy 2010 =)