night cloud watch.

Here I am in the dark. The light trickles above my head, streaming down, down.

Coupled with the sweet sounds of notes intended to make us feel,

and as a cold breeze dances towards my toes I

inhale…exhale.

I am frozen in this moment.

Time, who needs time? When we can stay like this…

even the clouds have frozen over.

Stuck in the airy shapes they formed for human pleasure.

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Usual

My mind seems to be such a simple place. A place where the same wonders are thought of over and over again. The usual suspect has come up again. This suspect…i can’t fully understand it. It baffles me every time i see it. It has turned into somewhat of a fear for me. I sometimes expect nothing more than what i have been offered. Realizing that this is how it will always be. I can’t feel it…i can’t see it…ever.

It worries me.

Intoxicated Nights.

oh how i wish i felt what i felt yesterday today.

it was a feeling i’ve never felt before. like everything was a dream

last night was a dream. everything flowed so smoothly.

i laughed, danced, smiled, stumbled, & corrupted.

all i felt today was spinning & tummy aches.

i guess 2 days of being intoxicated will do that to you.

Some kind of love.

My favorite love is so hard to explain. It is something so deep within my soul that i don’t know if anyone else feels the same way i do. If i could i would have my headphones permanently glued to my ears. The deep bass that cradles the soft melodies; my mind gets lost every time. When those headphones go in nothing matters. I see no one around me and i don’t hear anything. I’m stuck in my own world and when i’m forced to come back to reality, i sigh. (so i ‘m sorry to those who have called my name to say hi…i don’t notice you. i don’t notice anyone.)

Sometimes, it’s so beautiful that tears start to come down. My favorite moments are when i feel like i’m in a movie. Darkness is all around me and while my eyes are closed the moments that never happened…happen.

Downfall

a sudden break in the time

i have fallen off this plank of wood

into a swirling image of everything in my mind.

something so sudden i wonder,

where the other one went.

i never knew this slight fall,

would fall so hard.

this temporary moment in time is not what i ask for,

but i like it all the same.

How fast time goes

It’s been an interesting week. Interesting in the fact that it’s been one of those “where did the time go?” weeks. I really can’t believe it’s thursday already which means my weekend starts at 5 after my class. If 3 months go by in an instant like this week, tomorrow might as well  be my 21st birthday.

I’m so excited to turn 21 even though i know the excitement will drift away when the day comes. I’m sure it’s the anticipation that is keeping me so excited. This will be the first time planning a big party ever since my 17th birthday. I’m planning on throwing a fairytale 21st birthday party. You know, with plastic crowns and tiaras, bottles and bottles of champagne, dozens of cupcakes, and everybody dressed as their favorite fairytale character. I can’t wait for this magical night.

2010 so far has been very good to me. The excitement doesn’t end yet! I’m also looking forward to the summertime because i’ll be going to Korea for 2 weeks with my friend Esther. It was a spontaneous suggestion which then turned into a spontaneous  reality. I still can’t believe i’ll be traveling to different country without my parents. It’s time to spread my wings and go on some really big adventures.

oops, my work just ended. time to go to my only class today! and HELLO weekend. (super excited to go check out a house in the Sunset this weekend. potential future home? yesssss)

Prozac Nation

Here i sit in the dark with my little lamp and music softly pouring out of my headphones and into my ears. I just finished watching “Prozac Nation” with Christina Ricci. I love her acting skills and the mystery that she gives off. I wonder sometimes, about myself. That what if i was a different person. How my life would have turned out if i did the things i wanted and not quit. I’m wishing for a time traveling kit now. To be someone that everybody liked and not having to think about what some person was thinking about me. Am i really me? I take words very seriously, to the heart. That’s my problem.

Now i’m regretting thinking about the past. I envy those people who leave their past and don’t look back. They don’t question the “what ifs.” But i do and i always will. I think that is what will be the death of me. All those “what ifs” are kind of pissing me off now. And there is nothing i can do about it but i still live on. I’m choosing to live on and be happy. I’m content and still happy but this moment, this little moment is my tangent of…dare i say…depression? No, i’m not depressed. Even if i tried i couldn’t be completely depressed. Maybe i’m just a little sad, a different kind of sad.

The kind of sadness one gets randomly. I think it’s the quiet that brings this kind of sadness. Also certain types of films. Films and music get to me a lot, but more films. I get too engulfed into the plot and the emotions that actors lie about. But then the movie ends and i’m forced to move on with my life. I don’t move on that fast though. I dwell and think about it, think about my life and think about the characters life.

Now i’m just babbling. I shall stop my rant and start my pages and pages of reading for school.