2011, so far you have been nothing but relaxing. While still enjoying my freedom from responsibilities that will soon be a reality come Monday morning, i’m running off the high from sibling bonding and well, the good stuff on earth. Above are some of my favorite photos that i have taken while on vacation in Los Angeles. These memories will be in my heart for a lifetime.
Leaving for San Francisco on Saturday with my brother, and i am super excited that he agreed to spend a couple of days with me up north!!!
I woke up about 2 hours ago and even now, i can feel you. I can feel your hands interlaced in mine. I can even feel your smile. This is what happens when i hibernate too much. I dream and dream and dream about wonderful things. And of course the only thing i remember is the last dream, but it was also the best one. To be that free and happy…and to not be afraid of it all. I can’t wait till that day comes where all my inhibitions are gone, and the real me comes out…with you.
i want to float on the massive salt waters of this earth.
i want to stay in this moment forever because it’s the first time in a long time
happy doing absolutely nothing,
no sense of time and responsibility.
The dust on the windowsill is collecting
tiny pieces of what we had.
As the room starts to spin you’re
right here with me, beside me
Inhale and exhale as you used to say
with your furry brows and clean stare
right into my soul.
Maybe it’s all make believe
maybe i’ve lost it all, lost hope
maybe i’m where i’m supposed to
I hate that it’s getting darker faster. My eyes are slowly getting heavier as if a tiny thread is sewing them shut.
My mind is somewhere else. Maybe it’s the sickness that is creeping up on me that is forcing my brain to swirl.
I can’t say if i’ve dug my own hole. I guess it’s better to say that life has dug my hole and i partially helped dig it. But now that i look down that hole…i see that i’m still in it. And the funny thing is, is no matter how much i talk about this thing, i really don’t want to help myself out of this godforsaken hole. Yes i agree with all my faults and flaws and i don’t deny any of it, at all. I actually think i embrace it all.
I’m okay with what will most likely happen in the future. Why?
Because it is how i have been living, all my life.
What a beautiful day! The sun is shining and the brisk cold winds are blowing beautiful hats away. As i sit in the corner at my work desk in the oldest building on campus, my hands are starting to shake…or have been shaking actually. I don’t know why but it is starting to worry me.
So many whimsical thoughts are running through my brain today. Like colorful cutouts to tape to my crisp white walls and hanging beauties from the ceiling.
Adding to all the excitement is the sushi dinner i will be having tonight.
“I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life”
– The Great Gatsby
In my mind i have a list of things to do, yet i haven’t touched one thing. Elaborate plans that are whimsical and that i yearn to bring alive, yet i haven’t lifted a finger. It is like an invisible string that is tied low to the ground in my mind in that if i walk forward, i will trip and fall into a hole of nothing-ness. Of course this isn’t real. Then why can’t i do it? Just do it i say, but again, nothing.
My mind is beginning to swirl.
i vow to always crave the good stuff on earth
i vow to set my mind at ease with a little bit of yoga
i vow to love those i hate and keep on loving the ones i love
i vow to go with the flow because whatever happens, happens.
a flush of heat rushes over me
my mind is distracted and a mile away from
happy as a peach while i eat the cause of
i’m sitting in a cafe wrapped in a bubble of “don’t bother me, i’m studying.” and this song, this song came up and left me in a trance. all the information on advertising and creative bullshit went out the window. i’m repeating over and over again, “someday my pain will walk..” “what might have been lost…don’t bother me.”
i’m trying my hardest to hold back tears. it’s catching up to me. physically and mentally. i’m afraid i’ll never know how to balance my life…consistently.
and back to studying i go.
The office is quiet today. It’s a quiet Friday and the sun has retreated back into the thick clouds and the fog has come back. It’s nice though. Midterms are over and i have a pile of reading that is waiting for me, which i will get to tomorrow. But tonight is going to be a splendid night full of debauchery with my girlfriends. I have been waiting for this for a loooong time.
Something has changed
deep within my soul
i know something has changed.
A flip of a switch you could say
that my off button has suddenly turned on.
2 weeks that changed my insides for a lifetime
and i can not be happier.
you’re the loveliest person i’ve encountered.
and my heart skips a beat.
My time has become somewhat a little wasted. But the funny thing is, i don’t feel guilty about it. Yes i’ve become a lazy, unmotivated, in bed most of the day kind of girl…but i really couldn’t ask for more. My alone time has become so precious to me that i actually like it. Although, i do like my random sporadic moments of adventure. I’ve come to realize that i can do anything i want…and that feeling is so grand.
i should be sleeping
but i can’t stop thinking.
did that just really happen?
i can still smell your cologne on my hands.
i’m up early today.
and as i stare at my walls,
my clean white walls, which are complimented by my rothko poster, sarah spitler painting, & my pen pals photography,
i am happy.
my 21st birthday balloons are scattered on the floor,
and as i am listening to my all time favorite songs,
i am happy.
i put a smile on to hide it all away.
i keep thinking over and over what could i have done
to make it all better.
i feel like i get it too easy, even though i think life is hard.
i repeat to myself that others have it worse.
i wish i had it worse.
sometimes…i think like this.
but life goes on.