Some kind of love.

My favorite love is so hard to explain. It is something so deep within my soul that i don’t know if anyone else feels the same way i do. If i could i would have my headphones permanently glued to my ears. The deep bass that cradles the soft melodies; my mind gets lost every time. When those headphones go in nothing matters. I see no one around me and i don’t hear anything. I’m stuck in my own world and when i’m forced to come back to reality, i sigh. (so i ‘m sorry to those who have called my name to say hi…i don’t notice you. i don’t notice anyone.)

Sometimes, it’s so beautiful that tears start to come down. My favorite moments are when i feel like i’m in a movie. Darkness is all around me and while my eyes are closed the moments that never happened…happen.

Downfall

a sudden break in the time

i have fallen off this plank of wood

into a swirling image of everything in my mind.

something so sudden i wonder,

where the other one went.

i never knew this slight fall,

would fall so hard.

this temporary moment in time is not what i ask for,

but i like it all the same.

How fast time goes

It’s been an interesting week. Interesting in the fact that it’s been one of those “where did the time go?” weeks. I really can’t believe it’s thursday already which means my weekend starts at 5 after my class. If 3 months go by in an instant like this week, tomorrow might as well  be my 21st birthday.

I’m so excited to turn 21 even though i know the excitement will drift away when the day comes. I’m sure it’s the anticipation that is keeping me so excited. This will be the first time planning a big party ever since my 17th birthday. I’m planning on throwing a fairytale 21st birthday party. You know, with plastic crowns and tiaras, bottles and bottles of champagne, dozens of cupcakes, and everybody dressed as their favorite fairytale character. I can’t wait for this magical night.

2010 so far has been very good to me. The excitement doesn’t end yet! I’m also looking forward to the summertime because i’ll be going to Korea for 2 weeks with my friend Esther. It was a spontaneous suggestion which then turned into a spontaneous  reality. I still can’t believe i’ll be traveling to different country without my parents. It’s time to spread my wings and go on some really big adventures.

oops, my work just ended. time to go to my only class today! and HELLO weekend. (super excited to go check out a house in the Sunset this weekend. potential future home? yesssss)

Prozac Nation

Here i sit in the dark with my little lamp and music softly pouring out of my headphones and into my ears. I just finished watching “Prozac Nation” with Christina Ricci. I love her acting skills and the mystery that she gives off. I wonder sometimes, about myself. That what if i was a different person. How my life would have turned out if i did the things i wanted and not quit. I’m wishing for a time traveling kit now. To be someone that everybody liked and not having to think about what some person was thinking about me. Am i really me? I take words very seriously, to the heart. That’s my problem.

Now i’m regretting thinking about the past. I envy those people who leave their past and don’t look back. They don’t question the “what ifs.” But i do and i always will. I think that is what will be the death of me. All those “what ifs” are kind of pissing me off now. And there is nothing i can do about it but i still live on. I’m choosing to live on and be happy. I’m content and still happy but this moment, this little moment is my tangent of…dare i say…depression? No, i’m not depressed. Even if i tried i couldn’t be completely depressed. Maybe i’m just a little sad, a different kind of sad.

The kind of sadness one gets randomly. I think it’s the quiet that brings this kind of sadness. Also certain types of films. Films and music get to me a lot, but more films. I get too engulfed into the plot and the emotions that actors lie about. But then the movie ends and i’m forced to move on with my life. I don’t move on that fast though. I dwell and think about it, think about my life and think about the characters life.

Now i’m just babbling. I shall stop my rant and start my pages and pages of reading for school.

just a quicky!

30 minutes till work is over and then it’s time to go to my asian american art history class. Life is looking pretty good right now. Although i woke up all groggy and wanting to go back to sleep this morning, after my shower i was perfect. The sun was shining and the chilly wind comforted me through my walk to school. The sun is gone now (typical San Francisco), but it’s still shining inside my heart. Life is great, it’s good. I’m happy =)

Nostalgic

Nights like this i should be sleeping. I have class in about 9 hours and here i am half asleep and still on the computer. I have uncovered the sounds of my teenage past and it has somehow made me feel whole. My heart was bringing back the same feelings i felt when i first heard the guitar strings and the melodic voices of these beautiful men. You know that nostalgic feeling you get when you smell/hear/see something you once knew? That is how i feel right now. And that feeling only comes to me when i hear certain songs. It’s a beautiful feeling and i love it every time it happens to me.

Good thing my roommate stays up late like me.

it’s not finished.

Every time I hear your voice

Inside my head

I get weak in the knees

I can’t speak

I can’t speak

It’s so hard, so hard

To breathe deeply

I can’t eat

Everyday I see your face

Inside my head

I get giddy

Can’t stop smiling

I want to sing

Want to shout

Your name, your name

But I’m in this alone

No one can know this pain

I feel inside

My heart, it beats so rapidly.

Oh my brain,

Its playing tricks

On my heart

When will my mind

Step in the game and play

For me, for me.

Just another day at the office

I’m alone now. This big office…it’s all mine until 4pm. The sounds i hear are so faint, my boss always plays 90’s r&b and as i’m listening it brings back some good memories. The rain outside sprinkles down, not hard enough to hear but enough for me to see it pass through the tree leaves.

this floor is like a ghost town with random people coming by at random times.

Fuck it.

it’s true, i let it get to me. i was sad ever since i read those words, but you know what? i’m ok now. yes i have changed, who doesn’t? i’m not the same girl i was and i’m sure 5 years from now i won’t be the same girl i am now. i’m sick of going back to the past. i’m ready for the future.

thanks for letting me see that i’m blessed for the people i have in my life.

i’m forgetting how to be happy.

i fell asleep last night feeling like the loneliest girl in the world.

i dreamt so many dreams that i forced myself to stay in bed.

but then i woke up.

and now, i am the loneliest girl.

Peace

all i hear are beats.

these beats that were meant to follow one another

to make a beautiful sound.

melodies that flow and fill up my ears.

this is peace.

Oh Brother…

i remember the times you used to scare me shitless with your halloween monster mask. the times you used to tickle my feet till i cried from laughing so hard. playing hide and go seek, building forts and telling scary stories. remember those times at the snow when we’d ride the tubes? i was so scared…but you held my hand.

then you grew up and i stayed little. 7 years apart is a big gap and for most of my life i didn’t know who you were.

but now i’m all grown up, and our relationship is no longer that of strangers. i feel as though my heart is almost full because your in my life again. i love seeing your name on my cell phone whenever you call. those tiny chats mean the world to me.

love you big brother.

New Year

i’m looking forward to this new year. mostly because i know where i belong and i have found my home. my heart.

i’m learning to leave the past behind and i’m glad to think of the future. i’m trying deeply to change because there are some parts of me i dislike.

i can’t help but smile though. new events are in store and i’m excited for my classes, old friends and making new ones, but most of all i’m excited for love.

happy 2010 =)

Night Owl.

when the night is still and quiet

that’s when it’s the darkest.

the stars shine brighter

and my mind grows wider.

Dream

cuddled up in my warm blanket and still in bed.

i woke up and got a phone call…i don’t remember who it was.

but it was so….lovely.

i felt my heart beating so loudly the heavens could hear.

the butterflies in my stomach resurrected from the dead.

and i finally felt that amazing first feeling.

it’s been so long, that i have forgotten.

my heart became a realist & gave up on being an optimist.

too bad i woke up realizing it was all a dream.

a dream so far away that i don’t really believe in it anymore.

the worst.

i feel like crying.

it’s probably the lack of sleep and food.

and the fact that i really don’t know how i’m

doing this semester. this is probably one of the

worst semesters ever.

it’s my fault. and i don’t have any motivation.

Love Thing.

I don’t know how i feel about this…this whole love thing. I’ve never been in love.

And when i see it now in movies and in real life, i think to myself and suddenly i feel

…foreign.

It’s a strange feeling and i can’t see myself ever experiencing it.

I’m not being sad or anything. I have just come to realization of what my life has become.

I’m sure this thought and feeling will subside in due time, but for now

I can’t help but feel this odd separation between me and love.

Because me and love don’t exist.

yet.

Badly

just once i’d love for my heart to let my mind know how i feel.

all this confusing bullshit is just that. bullshit.

i want to scream out that i’ve let my guard down,

but in reality, my wall has turned into a rock.

i want so badly to just feel something.

something real and something that i’m sure of.

when i think of you, i’m not sure.

should have, could have, would have.

i should have kissed you. the moment was so perfect.

i could have kissed you. but i hesitated.

i would have kissed you. but we’re not good together.

I’m ready to take the leap, but no one is giving me the chance.