My recent trip to San Francisco has really opened my eyes to what I might want in this life…or at least in this moment. This trip was different. Usually, during my stays in San Francisco, I am entranced and in love and feeling like I never want to leave. But this time I was filled with uncertainness and anxiety. Missing home. After all these years of searching for what a home is and where it is, it was right in front of me all along. The place I tried to break away from. The place I tried to stray away from. It was right under my nose.
I believe I have lived in constant fear and denial. I don’t know how I got here but it’s starting to get a little comfortable. Is that a bad thing?
I do want to change. I must change.
I know I want more. I must want more.
But will I change. Will I get more. Will I be lucky enough?
Days like these, I remember that I am so thankful for my best friend. I am the type of person who has many best friends & I love them all…but no one can ever replace this girl. We’ve been best friends since we were 10 years old (we’re 23 now). She knows me in & out and loves me for who I am–changes and all.
There are a lot of fucked up people in this world…a lot of fucked up people. But to have met the most genuine, loving, supportive person at a young age makes me so blessed and hopeful. Actually, all of my friends make me feel blessed and hopeful. They are all wonderful and kind people who strive to be happy and make those around them happy as well.
I must never forget this moment. Despite all the hardship in my life and in other people’s lives, I must never forget this moment.
Life is so good and it is only as good as you make of it.
I jumped off the health/fitness wagon a while ago and i’ve been desperately needing to get back on track. Fortunately, a burst of motivation has come into my life. Finally…took ya long enough! After I lost 30 pounds, I plateaued and it started to get really hard to lose more weight. So, I slowly began to give up. But I am back and ready more than ever to lose 50 pounds!
Max was his name. Everything about him seemed to come from a person I once met—everything but his name. How could someone I briefly met and turned away from show up in a dream filled with my past memories? Even in a dream he left a gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. His controlling ways masked behind sweet, kind words were far from hidden.
Thanks to Calico Skies, my best friend, Jen, and I decided to make our own screenprinted tees. What a seriously fun way to express yourself on a tee! I wanted to put something that had meaning and what is more perfect than these words, Live True. This saying means a lot to me. It came into fruition back when I was living in San Francisco and now, more than ever I need to remember these words. To live true to myself and never lose track of what makes my heart beat.
2011, so far you have been nothing but relaxing. While still enjoying my freedom from responsibilities that will soon be a reality come Monday morning, i’m running off the high from sibling bonding and well, the good stuff on earth. Above are some of my favorite photos that i have taken while on vacation in Los Angeles. These memories will be in my heart for a lifetime.
Leaving for San Francisco on Saturday with my brother, and i am super excited that he agreed to spend a couple of days with me up north!!!
In a world filled with technology and so much information, i feel like the stupidest girl in the world. I am no where near close to figuring out my life and not to mention that i don’t even know what career field i’d like to work in. When i think i’m one step closer, i feel like i’m taking 2 steps back after analyzing everything. I thought that by now i’d have at least a portion of my life figured out. There is so much that i need to learn.
Thankfully, i’m still young and although this anxiety and pressure is causing me to cry (typical me), it’s giving me the motivation to read all i can and pay attention. I’m glad i’m not graduating on time, but then again, i’m worried that in a year and a half’s time i’ll still be in the same position i’m in now.
I woke up about 2 hours ago and even now, i can feel you. I can feel your hands interlaced in mine. I can even feel your smile. This is what happens when i hibernate too much. I dream and dream and dream about wonderful things. And of course the only thing i remember is the last dream, but it was also the best one. To be that free and happy…and to not be afraid of it all. I can’t wait till that day comes where all my inhibitions are gone, and the real me comes out…with you.
About 2 weeks ago i was in a rut. Actually, i think it was worse than a rut. A rut so bad the life was sucked out of me. My soul was gone and i wasn’t the same person. I thought to myself, “no one can help me with this. no one i know understands what is going through my head..” And i admit that i thought about taking my life a couple times. Whenever i stood at a crosswalk with fast cars passing by, and every time i waited for the muni. Yes, it was that bad. I became distant, cold, and i just wanted to disappear. I truly believed that if i disappeared, it wouldn’t affect anyone. I felt like a filler in this messed up world and when you feel like that, things can go bad.
I knew something was wrong when one of my best friends told me such happy news and usually when the ones i care about are happy, i’m extremely happy. But this time i just felt worse inside. I kept an ecstatic tone over the phone but inside i was so jealous and i hated myself even more.
But thankfully, my newfound relationship with my brother helped me tremendously. I didn’t have to say anything and the things he told me hit every bullet point in my head. If you didn’t know, even though i have a brother i pretty much grew up an only child because of the big gap age. So i didn’t know what it was like to have a sibling. Anyway, our relationship grew even more when i went back home for thanksgiving. We were together 24/7…literally! Upon my arrival back to san francisco and being suddenly separated from him, i sobbed off and on the whole day. ( As i am typing this there is a mountain of tissue paper that needs to be thrown away right next to me. I used up the whole toilet paper roll. ) Now i think to myself, “wow, so this is what it’s like to have a brother.” (goodbye super sad thoughts!)
Trust me, i feel like a total baby for being super happy about establishing a strong relationship with my brother. Like who gets excited and talks non-stop about their sibling??? And i’m sure all my friends are sick of me talking about him (that includes my wordpress and tumblr…SORRY GUYS!) all the time. But i’m in that stage where i found love; i never loved my brother. I mean i loved him but i didn’t really love him because i barely knew him. It took me 21 years to figure out that family is everything. They are my life now and i couldn’t be happier.
Thankfully, after my whole sob-fest i woke up today feeling so much better. I wouldn’t say my depression is fully gone but 90% of it is. I haven’t truly smiled or laughed this much in a while. I know that i’ll get better and be my happy self again cause after one of my other best friends told me happy news, I WAS SO HAPPY! I felt like i was going to burst because i was truly happy for her that she’s happy cause lord knows she deserves it!
So thank you Andrew Lee for lifting that disgusting depressed brick off my heart and mind.
There’s this one scene in “Something’s Gotta Give” where Diane Keaton cries all day and all night because of her heartbreak. Picture that, all the random bursts of tears, waking up and crying, and all those tissues, and look at me. It’s the same thing! Minus the heartbreak of course. Ever since i stepped foot into my house in SF i haven’t been able to stop crying. I know the reason why and i really don’t know why i end up in tears over it. I always end up crying, for everything. But really, i’m happy and this is a good thing! I think it’s just withdrawals. I mean i did spend every waking moment of my vacation with him and suddenly being cut off?? That could trigger some anxiety issues, wouldn’t it?
Yes it would. Now lets hope that that heartaching feeling of tears coming on won’t happen in class later.
i had my first heartfelt conversation with my brother…of course i cried like a ninja..in silence. I don’t know how he knew but he knew what words to say. All the things that have been going wrong in my life, he’s been through it. We’re like twins, it’s amazing. I was spiraling down a hole because i couldn’t talk about it with anyone. That conversation just made me feel 10 times better. I literally felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders.