Amateur

Heat takes over my body

Crushing my thoughts at every turn

My heart it slowly hardens

Into the cold muddy earth

 

Your amateur words stole my heart

A lacquered haze you wrapped around my heart

Let you have what I gave up

What I gave up

Was no concern

 

Screams heard all through the pines

Hoping you’d hear my shrilling cries

But dear these tears are not for you

They shed in pity for the things you do

 

Starting from the beginning

A place I’ve been to before

Your layers of fabrication

Uncovered through beastly lores

 

Spells you’ve cast have lost its touch

Karma came back around in lust

A fool you were, you did not know

That deep down inside, I did know

Creative Juices

I desperately crave for things that spark my creative juices. The littlest things often do the trick. A cup of tea, a beautiful song, a nostalgic moment that has yet to happen…

2013, it is time to make beautiful messes. 23 years young and hungry to learn, to create, to love.

Thoughts #1

My recent trip to San Francisco has really opened my eyes to what I might want in this life…or at least in this moment. This trip was different. Usually, during my stays in San Francisco, I am entranced and in love and feeling like I never want to leave. But this time I was filled with uncertainness and anxiety. Missing home. After all these years of searching for what a home is and where it is, it was right in front of me all along. The place I tried to break away from. The place I tried to stray away from. It was right under my nose. 

I believe I have lived in constant fear and denial. I don’t know how I got here but it’s starting to get a little comfortable. Is that a bad thing?

I do want to change. I must change. 

I know I want more. I must want more. 

But will I change. Will I get more. Will I be lucky enough? 

I don’t know. 

This is my reality. 

Thankful

I am one lucky girl.

Days like these, I remember that I am so thankful for my best friend. I am the type of person who has many best friends & I love them all…but no one can ever replace this girl. We’ve been best friends since we were 10 years old (we’re 23 now). She knows me in & out and loves me for who I am–changes and all.

There are a lot of fucked up people in this world…a lot of fucked up people. But to have met the most genuine, loving, supportive person at a young age makes me so blessed and hopeful. Actually, all of my friends make me feel blessed and hopeful. They are all wonderful and kind people who strive to be happy and make those around them happy as well.

I must never forget this moment. Despite all the hardship in my life and in other people’s lives, I must never forget this moment.

Life is so good and it is only as good as you make of it.

I can DO IT!

I jumped off the health/fitness wagon a while ago and i’ve been desperately needing to get back on track. Fortunately, a burst of motivation has come into my life. Finally…took ya long enough! After I lost 30 pounds, I plateaued and it started to get really hard to lose more weight. So, I slowly began to give up. But I am back and ready more than ever to lose 50 pounds! 

Here we go! 

Getting back on the health wagon!

Made my very first green smoothie with the things I had in the fridge. It turned out amazing! Filled with spinach, apples, tangerines, & flaxseed.

Max

Max was his name. Everything about him seemed to come from a person I once met—everything but his name. How could someone I briefly met and turned away from show up in a dream filled with my past memories? Even in a dream he left a gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. His controlling ways masked behind sweet, kind words were far from hidden.

See

You know those days where you just see things in the color grey?

Well, you see it wasn’t just a grey day for me.

Every day was a day where I could not breathe.

I could not catch my breath and see the life in front of me.

 

Do you have those dreams?

Of what you anticipate the next day to bring?

Every Sunday was mine.

Hoping Monday wouldn’t arrive.

 

Every day I wished it to be the next.

Memorizing the motions of daily strife.

To repeat the same weeks that had just gone by.

I believed I had already died.

 

But now, thanks to your beauty in disguise, I am back to life.

Back to the old me I yearned to retrieve.

As ugly as you are, there is no vengeance in my heart.

The past will no longer take over me,

For the present & future is all I see.

DIY Flower Crown

I’ve decided to go as a Dia De Los Muertos Doll for Halloween this year. So, to sweeten up my costume I thought I’d make a flower crown. Turns out, it’s really simple and super fun!

Things you’ll need:

headband, masking tape, faux flowers, & a hot glue gun (I couldn’t find mine so I just used rubber cement).

1. Wrap your headband in masking tape.

2. Pull the pretty flower buds from their metal stems.

3. Glue each bud to your headband.

4. Let it dry completely & then have some fun!

 

Anew

you are a blur

you are the past

no longer will i be that

it’s your turn

your turn to be anything

anyone you want

to be happy

to do good

to be alive

to live & to love.

in progress…

I remember way back when

We used to talk and laugh

Till dawn i’d pray it’d never end

I remember way back when

I used to love you

 

Take me on those walks again

Under streetlights I would wait

Words you’d say i’d take to heart

To this day I cherish every part

 

I wonder if you feel the same

Am I the only one who’s going insane

Why can’t I just shake it off

Guess i’ll have to wait and see 

If our paths will cross

 

Wait

Went looking for something

Had my doubts from the start

Had my heart set on your frown

Don’t watch as I melt to the ground

 

You ask me how’s it going

And it’s true that I lie

Right through my teeth I fib and die

I stare up at the clouds and cry

 

I wonder how you’re doing

Every now and then

Since I left without a word

I think I should confess

 

Can you ever forgive me?

For the way that I was

I was naïve and young

Afraid of these feelings

I still run

 

Give and take is what they say this is

I wait for the day that I’ll change

And stay

But somehow I don’t think that day

Will ever come my way

 

Wait, just wait

I swear I’ll find myself one day

Please give me a moment

To pray

To change

To love

DIY Screenprinted Tee

Thanks to Calico Skies, my best friend, Jen, and I decided to make our own screenprinted tees. What a seriously fun way to express yourself on a tee! I wanted to put something that had meaning and what is more perfect than these words, Live True. This saying means a lot to me. It came into fruition back when I was living in San Francisco and now, more than ever I need to remember these words. To live true to myself and never lose track of what makes my heart beat. 

The Beginning

Under the sheets

I hide away

Hoping that this darkness

Will fade

 

Open my eyes

Don’t take my hand

Cause all my fears

Will push you away

 

Tread a little further

Hoping this will get better

As I take a look back

All I see is the beginning

 

Dreaming by day

I stay awake

Waiting for nightfall

To arrive

 

Maybe someday

I’ll look back and I’ll say

Just take a breath

And it will be

Okay

Something New

2011, so far you have been nothing but relaxing. While still enjoying my freedom from responsibilities that will soon be a reality come Monday morning, i’m running off the high from sibling bonding and well, the good stuff on earth. Above are some of my favorite photos that i have taken while on vacation in Los Angeles. These memories will be in my heart for a lifetime.

Leaving for San Francisco on Saturday with my brother, and i am super excited that he agreed to spend a couple of days with me up north!!!

information overload

In a world filled with technology and so much information, i feel like the stupidest girl in the world. I am no where near close to figuring out my life and not to mention that i don’t even know what career field i’d like to work in. When  i think i’m one step closer, i feel like i’m taking 2 steps back after analyzing everything. I thought that by now i’d have at least a portion of my life figured out. There is so much that i need to learn.

Thankfully, i’m still young and although this anxiety and pressure is causing me to cry (typical me), it’s giving me the motivation to read all i can and pay attention. I’m glad i’m not graduating on time, but then again, i’m worried that in a year and a half’s time i’ll still be in the same position i’m in now.

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

I woke up about 2 hours ago and even now, i can feel you. I can feel your hands interlaced in mine. I can even feel your smile. This is what happens when i hibernate too much. I dream and dream and dream about wonderful things. And of course the only thing i remember is the last dream, but it was also the best one. To be that free and happy…and to not be afraid of it all. I can’t wait till that day comes where all my inhibitions are gone, and the real me comes out…with you.

the longest entry i’ve written thus far/Truly Happy

About 2 weeks ago i was in a rut. Actually, i think it was worse than a rut. A rut so bad the life was sucked out of me. My soul was gone and i wasn’t the same person. I thought to myself, “no one can help me with this. no one i know understands what is going through my head..” And i admit that i thought about taking my life a couple times. Whenever i stood at a crosswalk with fast cars passing by, and every time i waited for the muni. Yes, it was that bad. I became distant, cold, and i just wanted to disappear. I truly believed that if i disappeared, it wouldn’t affect anyone. I felt like a filler in this messed up world and when you feel like that, things can go bad.

I knew something was wrong when one of my best friends told me such happy news and usually when the ones i care about are happy, i’m extremely happy. But this time i just felt worse inside. I kept an ecstatic tone over the phone but inside i was so jealous and i hated myself even more.

But thankfully, my newfound relationship with my brother helped me tremendously. I didn’t have to say anything and the things he told me hit every bullet point in my head. If you didn’t know, even though i have a brother i pretty much grew up an only child because of the big gap age. So i didn’t know what it was like to have a sibling. Anyway, our relationship grew even more when i went back home for thanksgiving. We were together 24/7…literally! Upon my arrival back to san francisco and being suddenly separated from him, i sobbed off and on the whole day. ( As i am typing this there is a mountain of tissue paper that needs to be thrown away right next to me. I used up the whole toilet paper roll. ) Now  i think to myself, “wow, so this is what it’s like to have a brother.” (goodbye super sad thoughts!)

Trust me, i feel like a total baby for being super happy about establishing a strong relationship with my brother. Like who gets excited and talks non-stop about their sibling??? And i’m sure all my friends are sick of me talking about him (that includes my wordpress and tumblr…SORRY GUYS!) all the time. But i’m in that stage where i found love; i never loved my brother. I mean i loved him but i didn’t really love him because i barely knew him. It took me 21 years to figure out that family is everything. They are my life now and i couldn’t be happier.

Thankfully, after my whole sob-fest i woke up today feeling so much better. I wouldn’t say my depression is fully gone but 90% of it is. I haven’t truly smiled or laughed this much in a while. I know that i’ll get better and be my happy self again cause after one of my other best friends told me happy news, I WAS SO HAPPY! I felt like i was going to burst because i was truly happy for her that she’s happy cause lord knows she deserves it!

So thank you Andrew Lee for lifting that disgusting depressed brick off my heart and mind.

The End.

Sibling Bonding

There’s this one scene in “Something’s Gotta Give” where Diane Keaton cries all day and all night because of her heartbreak. Picture that, all the random bursts of tears, waking up and crying, and all those tissues, and look at me. It’s the same thing! Minus the heartbreak of course. Ever since i stepped foot into my house in SF i haven’t been able to stop crying. I know the reason why and i really don’t know why i end up in tears over it. I always end up crying, for everything. But really, i’m happy and this is a good thing! I think it’s just withdrawals. I mean i did spend every waking moment of my vacation with him and suddenly being cut off?? That could trigger some anxiety issues, wouldn’t it?

Yes it would. Now lets hope that that heartaching feeling of tears coming on won’t happen in class later.

life works in mysterious ways

i had my first heartfelt conversation with my brother…of course i cried like a ninja..in silence. I don’t know how he knew but he knew what words to say. All the things that have been going wrong in my life, he’s been through it. We’re like twins, it’s amazing. I was spiraling down a hole because i couldn’t talk about it with anyone. That conversation just made me feel 10 times better. I literally felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders.